I don’t like this black hole of nothingness that follows a finished education, but doesn’t also contain a “next step.” I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen, or how long it might take for something to happen. I don’t like this new lack of direction: “find a job.” That’s not specific enough. How long will “find a job” be the only direction I go in? How long until I find one? How long until I can live with the people I now sorely miss again?
How long will I be stuck in this black hole?
I’ve driven to the edge of the cliff (finished school), jumped off into space (the black hole), and now I’m waiting either for something to catch me, or to be flung deeper into the pit.
I don’t like being separate from people I’ve lived with for so long. I don’t like not being in the same vicinity as them. I don’t like people being so far away. I hate this.
And aside from job hunting—the vaguest job ever, I feel like—I have nothing planned. I have nowhere to go. I am, quite literally, stuck in place until I find something. Sure, get a book published, yeah, but that was supposed to happen alongside an income. Now there’s no income and I don’t know when there will be for certain. Until I get something, and something that gets me both out of loans and into financial security, I’m suspended in space.
Now I know what the black hole feels like: fear. Terrible, ugly, gripping fear.
I am terrified of this.
“I don’t want to go.”
I don’t want to leave school anymore. Send me back to a place where I know what every day will bring and I have expectations to meet and there are people down the hall from me to hang out with and things are certain. I don’t like being in flux.
The Doctor brings out so much possibility in life, but I’m so terrified right now that it’s getting harder to see what he sees.
I guess it’s time to move on now. To think I’d been afraid of school at first. This, too, is one of those things, I suppose.
Right now, studying for anything related to presentations and finals is not ideal. I want to be done the way I feel like I am right now. I’m really very done with school and I’m ready to get something out of my sixteen years of study.
I also have things I want to be doing and a recurring dream that I feel I ought to make into a story somehow.
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This is a scattered post, but it needs saying. I have a week left and I’m done—holy crap.
I feel like I should post something here that’s a bit more substantial than all of the re-blogs I’ve been doing for the past few days. I’m on this site more than I should be, so it stands to reason that I should have something to say.
In general, I have a low tolerance for debates regarding politics and religion. I have an even lower tolerance for a debate that puts both of these topics together. Yes, I’ve re-blogged a lot of political stuff in the last few weeks, but that’s as close to “saying” anything as I’m going to get. Arguing is just such exhausting work and I don’t have the energy or the breath to waste on it. Maybe it’s not a waste—I don’t honestly know.
That’s what’s been on my mind while I’m on here. That and all of the Doctor Who, Sherlock, and relationship-related stuff. It’s kind of hard to avoid, since it’s the internet. This is the black hole of “things.” It’s a conglomeration of stuff.
In less than two months, I’m off to find a real life (meaning get a job that will pay me to edit other peoples’ writing from 9-5, if I’m really lucky). I won’t see my darling D as much as I’d like, but I’ll have a car, so it won’t be impossible. For now, though, I have to get out of school. That shouldn’t be too difficult, pending any disasters get in the way (*knocks on wood that they don’t*).
I haven’t done as much as I’d have liked, but I did manage to make a very best friend and special someone out of it. I thought I would’ve been working on my first official draft of my first actual book until I graduated (wouldn’t that have been something!), but I finished that two years in advance.
I’m rambling, as you can tell.